


All The TV You Ever Wanted

by Hellgrammite



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 01:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6174649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellgrammite/pseuds/Hellgrammite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Supreme Leader Snoke uses the giant hologram projector to yell at Kylo Ren and General Hux, but what is it used for the rest of the time? Nothing, apparently. Three stormtroopers decide to take advantage of this when no one is watching.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All The TV You Ever Wanted

“Are you sure we can’t get past the adult filter?” asked Double One.

“Whatever happened to Mr. Cautious, huh?” Eighty said as she gave Double One a light shove. “But give it a rest. We can’t get past the filters and even if we could, I have no desire to see how much worse Phasma’ll make it if we’re caught streaming X rated movies. So no alien slave girls.”

“But… metal bikinis,” said Double One.

Eighty sighed, “Phasma just doesn’t appreciate the finer aspects of modern culture like we do. And unlike you dweebs I don’t have to settle for digital ladies when I have no shortage of real ones in my life.”

“Hey!” said Double One, then turned to his other companion. “C’mon, FQ, you agree with me, right?”

“A little busy,” FQ said. Out of the three stormtroopers in the hallway he was the only one with his helmet off. The other two blocked the view of any security cameras while he smashed his face against the corridor wall, allowing him to reach farther into the small opening they had made by sliding back some paneling. There was an easier way to get to what they wanted, but that required authorization that the three of them would never be able to obtain.

“But I agree with Eighty. Bypassing the filter is too risky,” FQ said. “Though I’d rather watch something else besides cage fighting.”

“It’s Zid Widdor vs. Keto Lan! What’s better than that – besides the obvious, of course?” Double One asked.

“Well, Ord Tertellian’s Travelling Menagerie is finally being streamed.”

“What, you think some kiddy zoo show is going to get us off easier? You that scared of Phasma?” Double One teased, though if he thought about it, _he_ certainly was that scared of Phasma.

FQ stopped working to look at him.

“Obviously you don’t know what you’re talking about because yeah Tertellian has some cute and fluffies but he also has dozens of deadly predators including two corvajes, an achtnak, and a pack of kilassins, which can be peaceful unless they were rescued from a fighting ring like he the six he has. Not to mention –”

“FQ’s not chicken,” said Eighty over FQ. “He’s just a really big nerd.”

“I prefer ‘intellectual,’” said FQ, catching his breath.

“I prefer intellectuals too, but for some reason I hang out with you guys,” said Eighty.

“Yeah…yeah!” Double One said. “Eff you, FQ.”

“Wasn’t funny the first time buddy,” said FQ without much feeling.

Then, before their bantering could turn into bickering, Eighty told the both of them shut up and the three stormtroopers were silent as FQ went back to work. Of the whole operation they had planned, this was the most time consuming part. Double One had stolen some tools that they used to get the paneling out of the way, a fairly easy task, but getting into the next box was trickier.

They didn’t have the code to open the front of the box, but fortunately it was possible to get in from the back. Apparently it hadn’t occurred to whoever designed this set-up that someone actually might want to break into the little black box, so FQ was squeezing his fingers and tools into a small gap to do _something_ that would get the box open. (Double One hadn’t understood much when FQ had explained what exactly he was going to do, but Eighty had nodded sagely in response, so he hadn’t questioned this part of the plan.) Once FQ got the box open they would have control of its innards – a router hooked up to the giant holocron in the “throne room" where Supreme Leader Snoke projected his image.

This holocron, as far as the three stormtroopers could tell, was only used by Supreme Leader Snoke to yell at Ren, Hux, and Phasma. What a waste, the three had agreed. So when a personal media device with streaming abilities came into Double One’s possession – not unlike so many other valuables on base - the three decided on a plan. If they pulled it off and got away with hooking up the stolen device to the router, they would be able to stream whatever they wanted to the throne room. It would essentially be the greatest private theater outside of a Hutt crime lord’s palace.

“Got it! Hand me the streamer,” FQ said and started hooking up the device Double One gave him. “You guys go ahead, I don’t care if I miss the first couple minutes.”

“Wait, your face!” Eighty said. FQ didn’t stop fiddling with the device as she slid his helmet over his head.

“Hurry up!”Double One said.

The two friends quickly made their way down the hallway and Double One was relieved that there still weren’t any people around. The sentries he had bribed with contraband candies and cheese (“We’re gals with simple needs,” they had said) had apparently held up their end of the deal and patrolled somewhere else. We’re not going to get caught, he thought but then Eighty froze and stopped him just before they entered the throne room.

What is it? Double One signed after she looked around the corner. He could already hear noises coming from within the chamber.

Emergency meeting? With Hux and Ren, Eighty signed back. And Snoke.

The hair on the back of Double One’s neck stood up and he broke into a cold sweat. He peeked around the corner to see General Hux and Kylo Ren standing in front of their Supreme Leader’s image. The stormtroopers watched as Snoke was replaced with a giant, scantily clad, buxom girl. Ren let out a short barking laugh and turned bright red, while Hux’s face somehow managed to grow even more pinched and angry.

FQ hadn’t mixed up the streams, Double One realized. He was looking at the fight’s ring girl.

Double One tugged at Eighty.

Let’s go! he signed.

She shrugged him off and told him she was going to watch a little longer.

Double One paused. Don’t make it your funeral, he finally signed and took off to stop FQ.

***

How they managed to not get caught, Double One wasn’t sure. Maybe they’d all be reconditioned tomorrow, but for now the three of them seemed safe as they stood trying to catch their breath in a corridor far, far away from the throne room.

“Why did we think that was a good idea?” FQ said.

“And how are you always so damned lucky? I can’t believe no one saw you,” said Double One, turning to Eighty. She had stayed watching so long that she had met up with them seconds after FQ and Double One got the wall paneling in place.

Eighty shook her head, then started laughing. FQ and Double One stared at her.

“Oh man, oh man, sorry!” she gasped. “But it was fantastic! You should have seen Hux’s face. I’ve never seen him that angry!”

“Really?” FQ sounded as alarmed as Double One felt.

“I stayed –” Eighty finally got a hold of herself so she could talk between giggles. “I stayed until after you disconnected the stream, after the meeting with Snoke was over. I don’t think Snoke knows what happened.”

Both her companions let out the breaths they were holding.

“But I swear I heard Hux say something afterwards, when he was by himself,” she continued.

“What was it?” FQ asked.

“He said…,” and Eighty leaned in as conspiratorially as she could in a helmet. “He said, if it had been me doing that…If I had done that, I would have watched something else. I would have watched…Ord Tertellian’s Travelling Menagerie.’”

Double One started laughing and what little self control Eighty had was gone.

“He did not! You didn’t hear that!” FQ said as his two companions bent over, hugging their sides. “That’s ridiculous! You’re making fun of me!”

Double One and Eighty’s laughter became hysterical.

“Hey, stop it!”

Eighty interrupted FQ’s protests and patted him on the back. “Whatever. Let’s go get lunch, hacker.”

FQ must have liked the new nickname because he stopped complaining and nodded.

“But in all seriousness,” Eighty said, schooling her features. “We should think about what happened today. Tomorrow’s a review day. So if either of you, for whatever reason, is confronted by Hux, don’t forget – ask him what his favorite animal is." That started FQ on a tirade again, although even he was laughing this time.

By the time they got to the canteen and removed their helmets they had regained their composure, though they were all still high on adrenaline and wiping tears from their eyes. They got their food and Double One found two open seats. He watched as Eighty good naturedly slugged FQ on the arm before FQ went to join the rest of his team.

Eighty slid into the spot across from Double One and held up her drink carton.

“To unsuccessful missions,” she said.

“To unsuccessful missions,” Double One echoed.

Though depending on what their goal was this afternoon, Double One thought, it might not have been so unsuccessful after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Especially since it's starring my OC's with only brief cameos from the baddies. I hope you got some enjoyment out of it! Constructive criticism is welcome! :)


End file.
